I know that everyone is worried about the economy these days and I, Pancake Zeltzer, have devised an economic stimulus plan to get the economy rockn' again. I had Aimee Zeltzer, my mom and secretary, write down all the details. So without further ado, here goes:
Pancake's Turtle Care CompanyCEO--My mom, Aimee. I have hired Aimee to do all the hiring. All positions remain open until filled!
Director of Feeding-Hires “Feeders” to “feed” turtles on daily schedule when owners are out of town.
Director of Cleaning-Hires “Cleaners” who will clean turtle’s tank while owners are away on set schedule.
Director of Healthcare—Hires Healthcare technicians who will find exotic pet veterinarians for annual check up. Can transport turtle in for visit. Also, performs analysis of turtle’s home and health. Seeks ways to improve his or her health. Coordinates with Lighting, Heating, and Nutrition Directors on complete wellness plan for turtle.
Director of Interior Design-Hires designers who will enhance tank asthetics and/or provide additional tank of water plants to supplement turtle’s enjoyment.
Director of Recreational Activity—Hires activity persons who see to it that turtle has proper amount of toys, cork, floating items, caves, bridges, plants, and uses them.
Director of Breeding—Hires and trains breeding specialist who assist pet owner set up optimal environment for turtle breeding, incubation, and hatchlings.
Director of Lighting—Hires light technicians who will troubleshoot turtle’s tank for lighting solutions. Will recommend and/or go to pet store and buy and assist in lighting set up for turtle.
Director of Education-Hires turtle educators who will recommend and bring books to turtle owner and discuss essentials of healthy turtle ownership. Will troubleshoot for any problems and will set up check list to make sure all of turtle’s needs are being met.
Director of Heating—Will hire heating technicians who will troubleshoot for heating problems. Will solve problems with heat gravel rocks, submergible heaters or special heating pad. Also, will assist in setting up thermamator to help owner monitor turtle’s water.
Director of Nutrition-Will review turtle’s dietary needs and make suggestions to ensure that all of turtles’ nutritional are being met. Will coordinate with director of feeding in regards to special snacks, like crickets.
Director of Hibernation—Will hire hibernation assistants to facilitate turtle hibernating during winter months. Hibernation assistant will work with pet owner to set up proper hibernating conditions, will also help de-hibernate turtle in spring time so turtle survives.
Director of Marketing—Will hire marketing assistants to publicize comprehensive listing of turtle services.
Director of Research and Development —Will hire researchers to read and learn about best turtle products and turtle care. Will provide weekly newsletter of findings. Will post on website. Will educate the rest of the turtle team monthly on findings.
General Manager—Will manage all directors and their hireees. GM will oversee that all paper work and administrative procedures are followed and carried out properly.
Director of Spiritual Affairs—Will hire spiritual advisors to advise owners on how to help their turtle maximize all of their potential.
Director of Facilities—Will find necessary property/space to conduct business .
General Counsel—Will hire attorneys to make sure that all laws regarding turtles are being followed, especially regarding the purchase and sale of turtles.
Director of Compliance—Will hire attorneys to make sure that all laws and other administrative procedures are complied with.
Director of Art and Literature—Will hire artist to draw, paint, and scuplt turtle art work and write turtle stories, poems, etc.
Website Coordinator—Will hire techies to set up “turtle care” website.
Just Ask “turtle” expert—Will field daily questions regarding turtles and provide answers/referrals.
Director of Training—Will hire people with little background and get them up to speed by lectures, workshops, books, quizzes, and “hands-on” experience to become a turtle care provider.
Market Research—Will conduct analysis on how many homes own turtles and how may homes could become “future” homes for turtles.
